What is love

I’m not sure why my wife loves me.  But she does.  Pretty much unconditionally.  As long as I don’t have an affair, I don’t think she’ll ever leave me.

I am a pretty flawed person.  I am a compulsive liar, I don’t follow through on things I say I am going to do, I am grouchy, I have cancer, I am lazy at work and at home, I am messy and dirty.  I never knew what true love was before her.  She really loves me, even with all my flaws, all my issues.  She loves me.  I don’t get it.  I mean I love her, but its easier because she doesn’t have the flaws I have.  But with all my issues, she loves me.

My wife worries all the time.  She thinks because she’s gotten fat from 2 kids, and truth be told even before that, that I am going to have an affair.  Truth is, I am never going to have an affair, too much to lose.  And I’d never get away with it.

I do wonder if she would still love me if she really knew about me.  About my internet “dating” life, all the one night stands, all the random hook ups, all the weird sex I’ve had.  She’s pretty vanilla when it ocmes to things like that.  Or if she knew that I wasted my days and didn’t really work.

A few years ago at my previous job, I was in a deep funk, I wasn’t doing my work, my boss was on me all the time, I was stressed.  I actually went to my doctor and got a prescription for an anti anxiety drug and a note for 2 weeks off work.  I told my wife about the drugs, and she was mad, she didn’t want me to take them, she just wanted me to get my shit together.  I never told her about the 2 weeks off.

Each morning I would get up, get dressed and leave the house.  Most often I sat in a coffee shop, then the public library, just fucking around, not doing anything, just not going to work.  If she knew this, she’d kill me.

I am starting to feel like this again.  When ever things start to get like this, where I’ve dug myself a hole, I just want to run away.  Sometimes I think of ending myself, but not ever seriously.

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More of me

When I was in my early 20’s I was diagnosed with Cancer, my dad died around the same time also of cancer. I lucked out and my cancer is treatable and 10 years later here I am.

I was told I had a 50/50 chance of surviving. I went off work when I was first diagnosed. I sunk into a pretty deep depression. I wouldn’t leave my house for days at a time, even though I felt well enough to go and do pretty much everything. I had a few close friends but not many. I had no girlfriend. I started to think how no one would ever love me. I’d never have any kids. Heck that I’d probably never even have sex again.

The only thing I did was waste time on the internet. I hit up some of the early social networking sites, I was on MSN messenger all the time, and the internet dating sites. I was creating an alternate reality for myself. I didn’t want to be Cancer Canuck. I wanted to be something else entirely. I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend just a hook up. And after a while, I found a hook up, it was kinky, it was no strings, it was fun. But she wasn’t that attractive, just a willing participant. I got bored and moved to the next one, I realized that it really wasn’t that hard to prey on women, to tell them what they wanted to hear in order for me to get into their pants. Most often it was a one and done deal, most were not really that attractive, I am reasonably good looking and so they were willing participants. But I was lying to them, telling them whatever I needed to say to get them in bed. Sometimes if the sex was really good, or if they were hot, or if they were just plain a freak it would be more than one and done.

Over a period of 4 years there were probably 20. I am lucky I never got any std’s or anyone pregnant. Women became something to be used. It became a game to see how far I could get them to go. What kinky things we could do. I did pretty much everything imaginable with these hook ups. I was even bent over with a strapon by one of them and I liked it. But everything was cheap and meaningless.

The crazy thing is, through all this, I met my wife off a dating site. I was actually planning for her to be another hook up, another conquest. But she wasn’t easy, we didn’t just hook up right away and there was something about her that I liked.

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Scared of losing my job

I sit in my office knowing that I should be working, knowing that this will all come back to bite me, but I don’t work.  I do everything I can not to work.  I am going to lose this job.  Just like the last job that I lost.

If I just actually work, do my job, put in effort, I am pretty good at things.  But I just don’t put in effort, I waste my days, I surf the internet.  I used to think I was addicted to the internet, but I am just lazy and unmotivated.  I’ve been depressed before but this is not it.  I just have no motivation, except to avoid work.  Sometimes I sit on the toilet in the bathroom surfing the web on my phone, playing games, whatever I can to take my mind off the things I should be doing.

I try to find something exciting and interesting to focus on, a trip, the new house, the new baby, anything but what is real, what is now, what is present.  If I have something that I can focus on, I don’t have to think about what I should be doing

I got really lucky falling into this job and I am deathly afraid that I have completely fucked up and its going to mess up my whole life.  It’s my own fault and no one else’s fault. 

I hate making my wife worry.  She’s a worrier at the best of times but if I lose my job, we don’t have long before we’d have to sell the new house that we put so much effort into.  2 kids under 2, 2 mortgages a car payment, wife off work, a bunch of expenses to the new house that we haven’t paid for until we sell our first house

I can’t think about what happens if I lose this job.  My life gets turned upside down.  If I am not working, we can’t pay our two mortgages.  My wife will probably stick by me, I don’t know why.  Probably because she doesn’t really know why I got fired last time and thinks I am doing a good job this time.

I lie all the time.  I lie to myself, I lie to all the people around me, I lie at work.  I’ve been a liar all my life.  I don’t even know how many lies I’ve told.  I get busted for lies too.  It doesn’t stop me.  I almost lost my wife before we were married because of lies.

When I think about the situation that I’ve got myself into, I just think about lies I could tell to get me out of it.  But the cold hard reality is, there is probably nothing I can say or do at this point that gets me out of the jam I’ve created.  Its my fault but others will suffer

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