More of me

When I was in my early 20’s I was diagnosed with Cancer, my dad died around the same time also of cancer. I lucked out and my cancer is treatable and 10 years later here I am.

I was told I had a 50/50 chance of surviving. I went off work when I was first diagnosed. I sunk into a pretty deep depression. I wouldn’t leave my house for days at a time, even though I felt well enough to go and do pretty much everything. I had a few close friends but not many. I had no girlfriend. I started to think how no one would ever love me. I’d never have any kids. Heck that I’d probably never even have sex again.

The only thing I did was waste time on the internet. I hit up some of the early social networking sites, I was on MSN messenger all the time, and the internet dating sites. I was creating an alternate reality for myself. I didn’t want to be Cancer Canuck. I wanted to be something else entirely. I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend just a hook up. And after a while, I found a hook up, it was kinky, it was no strings, it was fun. But she wasn’t that attractive, just a willing participant. I got bored and moved to the next one, I realized that it really wasn’t that hard to prey on women, to tell them what they wanted to hear in order for me to get into their pants. Most often it was a one and done deal, most were not really that attractive, I am reasonably good looking and so they were willing participants. But I was lying to them, telling them whatever I needed to say to get them in bed. Sometimes if the sex was really good, or if they were hot, or if they were just plain a freak it would be more than one and done.

Over a period of 4 years there were probably 20. I am lucky I never got any std’s or anyone pregnant. Women became something to be used. It became a game to see how far I could get them to go. What kinky things we could do. I did pretty much everything imaginable with these hook ups. I was even bent over with a strapon by one of them and I liked it. But everything was cheap and meaningless.

The crazy thing is, through all this, I met my wife off a dating site. I was actually planning for her to be another hook up, another conquest. But she wasn’t easy, we didn’t just hook up right away and there was something about her that I liked.

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