I sit in my office knowing that I should be working, knowing that this will all come back to bite me, but I don’t work. I do everything I can not to work. I am going to lose this job. Just like the last job that I lost.
If I just actually work, do my job, put in effort, I am pretty good at things. But I just don’t put in effort, I waste my days, I surf the internet. I used to think I was addicted to the internet, but I am just lazy and unmotivated. I’ve been depressed before but this is not it. I just have no motivation, except to avoid work. Sometimes I sit on the toilet in the bathroom surfing the web on my phone, playing games, whatever I can to take my mind off the things I should be doing.
I try to find something exciting and interesting to focus on, a trip, the new house, the new baby, anything but what is real, what is now, what is present. If I have something that I can focus on, I don’t have to think about what I should be doing
I got really lucky falling into this job and I am deathly afraid that I have completely fucked up and its going to mess up my whole life. It’s my own fault and no one else’s fault.
I hate making my wife worry. She’s a worrier at the best of times but if I lose my job, we don’t have long before we’d have to sell the new house that we put so much effort into. 2 kids under 2, 2 mortgages a car payment, wife off work, a bunch of expenses to the new house that we haven’t paid for until we sell our first house
I can’t think about what happens if I lose this job. My life gets turned upside down. If I am not working, we can’t pay our two mortgages. My wife will probably stick by me, I don’t know why. Probably because she doesn’t really know why I got fired last time and thinks I am doing a good job this time.
I lie all the time. I lie to myself, I lie to all the people around me, I lie at work. I’ve been a liar all my life. I don’t even know how many lies I’ve told. I get busted for lies too. It doesn’t stop me. I almost lost my wife before we were married because of lies.
When I think about the situation that I’ve got myself into, I just think about lies I could tell to get me out of it. But the cold hard reality is, there is probably nothing I can say or do at this point that gets me out of the jam I’ve created. Its my fault but others will suffer