Scared of losing my job

I sit in my office knowing that I should be working, knowing that this will all come back to bite me, but I don’t work.  I do everything I can not to work.  I am going to lose this job.  Just like the last job that I lost.

If I just actually work, do my job, put in effort, I am pretty good at things.  But I just don’t put in effort, I waste my days, I surf the internet.  I used to think I was addicted to the internet, but I am just lazy and unmotivated.  I’ve been depressed before but this is not it.  I just have no motivation, except to avoid work.  Sometimes I sit on the toilet in the bathroom surfing the web on my phone, playing games, whatever I can to take my mind off the things I should be doing.

I try to find something exciting and interesting to focus on, a trip, the new house, the new baby, anything but what is real, what is now, what is present.  If I have something that I can focus on, I don’t have to think about what I should be doing

I got really lucky falling into this job and I am deathly afraid that I have completely fucked up and its going to mess up my whole life.  It’s my own fault and no one else’s fault. 

I hate making my wife worry.  She’s a worrier at the best of times but if I lose my job, we don’t have long before we’d have to sell the new house that we put so much effort into.  2 kids under 2, 2 mortgages a car payment, wife off work, a bunch of expenses to the new house that we haven’t paid for until we sell our first house

I can’t think about what happens if I lose this job.  My life gets turned upside down.  If I am not working, we can’t pay our two mortgages.  My wife will probably stick by me, I don’t know why.  Probably because she doesn’t really know why I got fired last time and thinks I am doing a good job this time.

I lie all the time.  I lie to myself, I lie to all the people around me, I lie at work.  I’ve been a liar all my life.  I don’t even know how many lies I’ve told.  I get busted for lies too.  It doesn’t stop me.  I almost lost my wife before we were married because of lies.

When I think about the situation that I’ve got myself into, I just think about lies I could tell to get me out of it.  But the cold hard reality is, there is probably nothing I can say or do at this point that gets me out of the jam I’ve created.  Its my fault but others will suffer

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