What is love

I’m not sure why my wife loves me.  But she does.  Pretty much unconditionally.  As long as I don’t have an affair, I don’t think she’ll ever leave me.

I am a pretty flawed person.  I am a compulsive liar, I don’t follow through on things I say I am going to do, I am grouchy, I have cancer, I am lazy at work and at home, I am messy and dirty.  I never knew what true love was before her.  She really loves me, even with all my flaws, all my issues.  She loves me.  I don’t get it.  I mean I love her, but its easier because she doesn’t have the flaws I have.  But with all my issues, she loves me.

My wife worries all the time.  She thinks because she’s gotten fat from 2 kids, and truth be told even before that, that I am going to have an affair.  Truth is, I am never going to have an affair, too much to lose.  And I’d never get away with it.

I do wonder if she would still love me if she really knew about me.  About my internet “dating” life, all the one night stands, all the random hook ups, all the weird sex I’ve had.  She’s pretty vanilla when it ocmes to things like that.  Or if she knew that I wasted my days and didn’t really work.

A few years ago at my previous job, I was in a deep funk, I wasn’t doing my work, my boss was on me all the time, I was stressed.  I actually went to my doctor and got a prescription for an anti anxiety drug and a note for 2 weeks off work.  I told my wife about the drugs, and she was mad, she didn’t want me to take them, she just wanted me to get my shit together.  I never told her about the 2 weeks off.

Each morning I would get up, get dressed and leave the house.  Most often I sat in a coffee shop, then the public library, just fucking around, not doing anything, just not going to work.  If she knew this, she’d kill me.

I am starting to feel like this again.  When ever things start to get like this, where I’ve dug myself a hole, I just want to run away.  Sometimes I think of ending myself, but not ever seriously.

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